“Forgive, But Never Forget”
“We have to be self forgiving. We tend to forgive others a lot easier and quicker than we forgive ourselves and that shouldn’t be the case. You got to be self forgiving.”
“LeJem” Kobe Bryant
Quote source: Kobe Bryant interview: Forgive Yourself (Youtube published date 12/12/18)
Stock photo source: popsugar.com
How many times have we heard the saying "forgive, but never forget"? Usually when we talk about forgiveness, we discuss it in the manner of forgiving others, however the idea of forgiving ourselves is as equally important. In 2007 I was just getting my stride in my field and was working what seemed like 24/7. There was little time for much else, but I didn’t mind since I was enjoying it. Unfortunately, mid year, my father fell ill and was rushed to the hospital. I had made plans to go see him on one of my rare days off, about a day or so after he had been admitted, but decided to visit him the following day after work because I wanted to take advantage of being able to rest. The next morning, after being off, I woke up refreshed and ready to tackle my day. I was looking forward to seeing him, even though I wished it didn’t have to be in the hospital. As I was walking out of the door, I received a call from my aunt informing me that my father had just passed. There is no way that I could ever describe fully how I felt in that moment. Immediately, regret, grief, confusion and disbelief took over my person. I thought, “Why didn’t I just go and see him when I had the chance, was resting really that important?” How dare I be so selfish. How dare I make my job more important than my family. I learned several lessons very quickly that day, all very bitter pills to swallow. However, the biggest challenge was dealing with figuring out how to forgive myself for the choice I made of not prioritizing and ultimately losing my father before I had the opportunity to say goodbye.
Forgiveness is the daily decision to operate in grace and show compassion, and honestly, depending on the day and situation it is very difficult to do. We, are all human and sometimes have an issue with forgiving ourselves. We hold ourselves to a higher standard and become disappointed when we fall short. It is true that we all make mistakes, poor decision, and are guilty of doing things that we aren't necessarily proud of, however, it is pertinent to forgive ourselves so we can move on with a healthy outlook of our destiny. We all were created to fulfill a purpose and when we forgive ourselves for whatever wrongs we have done, we understand that our human nature does not take precedent over what we were created to do and be. In realizing this simple fact, we open up the great possibilities of our futures by not hindering ourselves with the not so good choices that we have made in our pasts. When we have the audacity to forgive ourselves we also subconsciously give permission to others to do the same.
As it relates to forgiving others, one of the most important aspects to consider is the idea that despite what the circumstances were behind needing to forgive in the first place, forgiveness doesn’t just help the person that has hurt or offended us, Although they hopefully will be grateful for being forgiven, the actual benefit of the forgiveness is much more greater and relevant for us. Simply meaning that when we choose to forgive, we are choosing to release the grudge against someone or some thing, essentially choosing to free ourselves from the resentment, anger and hurt that may reside in us. As we know hoarding these types of feelings can not only cause health issues if we allow them to fester, but can also cause us to become someone that we rather not be.
Unfortunately, there may be several instances where the person who we feel has wronged us has no idea of the severity of what they’ve caused and if they do, may not feel as though an apology is warranted. Either way, most likely they have moved on from the situation and are living their “best lives.” We must understand that we may not ever get the apology that we feel we are owed and that is ok, we should forgive anyway. We don’t want to keep the blame on others or adapt a victim mentality where we use it as an excuse as to why we are not flourishing in our lives. We are fully accountable for our own happiness and when we acknowledge this, we take the expectation and responsibility off of others which allows us to move on so we can continue to live in the most freeing and productive way.
Never forget! While it is important to always forgive, it is also very important to never forget. As it relates to forgiving and forgetting, never forget the wrong that we have done, only in the sense that we learn the first time the lesson from the situation so that we don't repeat it. Never forget the feeling of grace when someone else has forgiven us and never forget that there is always an opportunity to extend that same grace to the next person. As psychiatrist Thomas Szasz stated, “the stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive, but do not forget.” I hope we all choose to be wise.